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Li_The_Shadows
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Birthday: 2/26/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: I love Anime. I like drawing, writing and playing/listening to music. Linkin Park, KoRn, Evanescence, Slipknot, Metallica, Coldplay, Radiohead, Aerosmith, Incubus and The Beatles are only a few of many beloved bands that i play non-stop.
Expertise: I can do anything i put my mind to. I love music and excel at playing the trumpet. I'm also a tarot reader and i use the Osho Zen deck and Faeries Oracle.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/23/2003
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| Annie dah-ling has been bugging me to write on my xanga recently so voila, here i am. I really only write on here when i'm upset or depressed and i guess now's an opportune moment.
I did a math test today. Term 3, grade 10 math. On one hand, i feel like a fucking idiot who can't learn anything and on the other, i feel, or felt proud that i'd mastered Trigonometry in a weekend. That feeling's gone. For the first hour (I started at 1:20), i couldn't remember anything and i fucking mean anything. After another hour, i started remebering bits here and there and finally, i finished it at 4:00. I feel like such a bloody idiot. I don't even know if what i did was right! They were supposed to give me the fucking formulaes and they didn't!!!!!
I nearly burst into tears in the middle of the test. I feel like all that hard work, both mine and Rob's (my math tutor) was wasted. I just want to curl up and forget about the stupid world and it's stupid obligations. Blargh. Yeah, you heard me. Blargh.
I have a lot of sadness and anger in me. I don't know how i'll get them out but i need to release them somehow. I've been letting the computer, music, books and other things get in the way or deaden my emotions but sometime, i really do need to cry. Someday.
Want to hear a good song? Try Flyleaf's "I'm So Sick" The vocalist sounds like Avril Lavigne, only angrier. ^^
I'm So Sick
I Will break into your thoughts
With what's written on my heart
I will break, break
I'm so sick, infected with
Where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick
If you want more of this
We can push out, sell out, die out
So you'll shut up
And stay sleeping
With my screaming in your itching ears
I'm so sick, infected with
Where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick
Hear it, I'm screaming it
You're heeding to it now
Hear it, I'm screaming it
You tremble at this sound
You sink into my clothes
This invasion makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick
I'm so sick, infected with
Where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so, I'm so sick
I'm so sick, infected with
Where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so (I'm so)
I'm so sick (I'm so sick)
I'm so (I'm so)
I'm so sick (I'm so sick)
-Li | | |
| Well. . where to start. . and where to end. Ummm. . took a cleansing bath, used sea salt, essence of cedarwood, lavendar, eucalyptus and. . pine? Yeah, it felt and smell wonderfu. ^^ Umm. . gave myself a manicure (for lack of a better word for my mangling of nails), I can't paint nails worth shit. Annnnddddd. . .cooked spanish food with my auntie. Yeah, now i have eau de grease smell.
I really should be going to bed, y'know, since i'm feeling sick and i have school tomorrow, but my computer's sucked me into it and i can't sleep, as much as my puppy would want me to. I'm restless. XP Ummmm. . .let's seeee:
I returned from Spain last Tuesday, which wasssss interesting and now here I am, on the verge of a new term. Mmm, my favorite. Ah, the sarcasm's thick tonight. Anyhow, Because i did well on my reportcard, my parents are paying for a day-long workshop for tarot and reiki 1. Sweetness. ^^ Now, if only i can last through till the 28th. I just need to release all this crap inside of myself. I do feel better though, after the bath, like there's less. . .less. . um, crap? mist? clutter around me? Um, yeah.
Hey, and if you're wondering why i picked this weird clashing blue to go with my loverly red back ground, it's a deterrant. If you really want to read my thoughts, you get to risk blindness, so while you're in the doctor's office, getting a sticky-thing for walking measured out, you can think of me and my bitching. (no offense to blind people)
Alas, nothing new to report, other than my usual lonliness and missing of a friend/pack to be with and joke around with. I'm a wolf-alone, alas! I'm not to sure where I stand as of yet. I'm beyond the angsty-teenage blood/death/darkness/vampire/black eye makeup obsession and it'd be really nice if i was fully into my spirituality, but i think i still have a toe in depression. Big toe to be exact. I can't detatch fully yet, it's so hard for me to do but i'm getting there.
Does anyone ever actually read my rants? It's so random and and. . yeah, i'm finished. G'night all.
-Li | | |
| Hey,
I got the best grades i've gotten in a while. Yay! I'm proud of myself but at the same time, i'm also now nervous about loosing the good grades and not getting good enough. Well. . i guess i'll do ok. *takes deeeeeeep breath*
There are these three workshops that i'd like to take, intuitive and psychic training, tarot and reiki 1 training. I asked dad about it but he approaches it from the, who cares, way. It bothers me that Dad just doesn't care, but on the other hand, i understand. Fuck my empathy, it gets bloody annoying sometimes! I want to scream at him, he never takes me seriously and never cares about what really matters to me. Last year i wanted to go the the Gathering, but he kept putting it off until all the places were taken. I fucking hate him some days.
You reflect the wisdom of the spirit. You shine as
a wise and anicent sage who values intellect
among the most. Your spirit brings guidence to
those around you. You have accomplished your
strength with age and time. Don't let your wise
advice go to waste. Share it with all who are
willing to listen. Please rate high
Reflections of the Spirit?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| Meeeeh. . i'm so tired. My knees hurt too. . and my dog stinks. XP Ewww. . stinky dog who needs bath. The best part is he still rolls onto his back and expects me to scratch his stinky belly for him and if i don't he gets all pouty. Great, i'm a slave to my dog. I feel rather enslaved as of late. x3 Mom and Dad's been fighting about my brother again and i've been left to feel the brunt of their aggression towards eachother. wooot, par-tay. I feel like everyone is just using me and taking advantage of me. HOw do i make them stop?
Surgery is an imminent possibility. I feel like ripping my legs off just to get rid of this problem. It's so fucking old, i just don't want to have to do it all over again. The fasting, the pills, the needles, the dry throat when you wake up, the morphine-induced haze, the fucking constipation, the itching, getting my sutchures pulled, the crying, the screaming, the endless pain, the whimpering and the post-traumatic stress. It's so fucking old, i just don't want it anymore. What the fuck's the point? I"m going to end up in a wheelchair in the end anyways. I just want it to end. HOw the fuck am i ever going to have a normal life? Did you know that woman with disabilities are twice as likely to get raped and abused than woman without them? It makes me want to just hide in the dark and stay away from everyone. I feel like i'm nobody but a number and an assignment for some surgeon to study. fucking flat patellas, where the fuck is the lesson in having fucked up legs? HOw can i ever grow if my legs are forever pulling me back? All it does is bring me down. If i must have surgery, i want to do it in the summer, after July. I want to be able to walk when i go to University.
People ask why i wear my pentacle in public, why i paint my nails black and why i sing as i walk down Broadway street; why do they ask? Is it to be different? Or perhaps it is to fit in? I don't know. . . I feel betrayed by my own body and unloved because of it, maybe that is why. You cannot relate with me, so i'll make things for you to be able to relate with. Heh, i don't know, i'm pulling this out of my ass. I feel this enormous desire to find Mr.E dude but i don't know how this'll all happen. Katyanna said that there's a possibility of this happening in 5 months time or so but. . .i don't know. I hope so, i'm sick of being alone. *sighs* look at the time. . and i have a crap load of stuff for tomorrow to do. Well. . g'night and sweetest dreams.
Love, your eternal Kiko-monster | | |
| I just saw Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were Rabbit, with my Aunt and my Dad. I met a cute guy. . who i suspect is gay, and the movie was great. . .When i got out, we passed through a bunch of kids and it just kinda hit me that the majority of my weekends are spent with my parents or family. I have no friends my age to hand out with, i'm not invited to parties. I've spent the last 3-5 years without friends on my weekends. To all you readers, that sounds really selfish and stupid, right? I want to see you do what i've done without spending your weekends crying. I'm really thankful for Will. Sounds stupid but possibly my best friend is an online guy. He talks with me lots and he helps me keep my chin up. I just wish we lived a tad bit closer. I just pray that i'll find some friends who are like me. Someday soon hopefully. Please Goddess?
Break your heart by Natalie Merchant
Oh people downcast in despair
See the disillusion everywhere
Hoping their bad luck will change
Gets a little harder everyday
People struggle
People fight for the simple pleasures in their life
The trouble comes from everywhere
It's a little more than you can bear
I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been
And the way they've always been
People shallow
Self-absorbed
See the push and shove for their rewards
With nothing nice on their minds
You can read about it in their eyes
People ruthless
People cruel
The damage that some people do
Full of hatred
Full of pride
It's enough to make you lose your mind
I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been
Yeah I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been
Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes with your own life
You know [ a little love survives ]
Yeah I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been
Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes with your own life
And don't disrespect yourself
Don't lose your pride
And don't think everybody's going to choose your side
Oh no...
Oh no...
Oh no...
Oh no...
No no...
-Li | | |
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